ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Don’t snitch tag.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.