Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
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Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Everyone’s family
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner