*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
And then there were 4
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity