Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious