Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
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Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.