@joeheenan: Cheers Twitter.
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@daemonic3: [divorce court] ME: ...and that's why I am seeking full custody JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the "Netflix password"
@Thynebear: *calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..." "ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys" "wow u do sound hella sick"
@FatherWithTwins: By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it'll be time to start applying to colleges.
@samalmightysam: Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window.