To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention