It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Look at this
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.