Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
You Might Also Like
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
cat vs inanimate object
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.