Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is