CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.