Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
A friend helps you before you need it
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.