Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
You Might Also Like
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Worlds greatest photobomb
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’ll be mad as hell!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.