Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Okay me first
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.