The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
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It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.