CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces