him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
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an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…