villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Not all heroes wear capes…
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
this is the greatest thing ever
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses