Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
The three genders
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My dog ate my work from home.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*seductively eats two tums*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
🤭😂
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.