Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.