[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?