Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards