Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’m literally crying
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?