Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
🙁
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’ll be mad as hell!
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked