My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
You Might Also Like
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
adam and eve had first world problems
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from