judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Donât you hate it when some idiots wonât even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. Iâm Tetanus Woodscrew
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Whyâd they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Iâve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. đ„
At Home Depot, Iâm just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: thatâs right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Lenâs flipping up menâs ties and if you look closely⊠there, see how heâs slipping potatoes into peopleâs bags? This is an activity we call âhi jinxâ.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Time zones shouldnât be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think itâs only 10:30, but for a 40yo, itâs actually two in the morning.
[Watching âAliens,â sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and Iâm just crossing my fingers that they wonât make me stand up.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonkaâs factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.