[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO