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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.