Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Ah yes. The three genders
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.