How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word