@fizzlestothetop: Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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@BlindChow: "I want to put a baby in you," I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
@AGreaterMonster: If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.
@Brianhopecomedy: My son went over to a friend's house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
@DirtMcTurd: Life advice: 1.Never be afraid to say what's on your mind 2.Never be afraid to do what's on your mind 3.Don't take life advice on Twitter