Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Oceanography is all about current events
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment