chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
All is fair in drunk and war.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.