“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
You Might Also Like
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Breaking news:
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
calling in to work dehydrated
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable