Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.