Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
not to brag, but mine was free
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.