Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN