@Hormonella: Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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@AndyAsAdjective: *walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today* EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something? ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
@david8hughes: [wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
@RobertManchild: [company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]