chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.