chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem