CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
oh my god
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam