CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned