Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”