Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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Bring back the McRib
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?