Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
My therapist after every session
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.