Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
You Might Also Like
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I have never related to anyone more.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My current situation
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*launders Kohls cash*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!