Squirrels before girls.
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I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers