Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men