Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv