“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Breaking news:
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.