@WheelTod: "Children can be very cruel," I reassure my 6 year-old. "But sometimes it seems like you aren't even trying."
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@bombsydoll: Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
@nattylumpo88: I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an "attorney" one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
@EndhooS: [Calls boss] I won't be in today "Why not?" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits.