Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.